Joel and Emily post about stuff. Probably mostly their life.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Hi, I'm scared.
WARNING: This is me making an effort to be a bit more honest and open. The following contains [the dreaded] FEELINGS!!1! If you want to go on believing that everything is peaches and cream, you should stop reading immediately. But I won't pretend along with you. This is a post I would normally only post on my private blog; that being said, if I'm uncomfortable I will move it.
"If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives."
That quote (from Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events) is how I announced my pregnancy on Facebook. For me, it means I'm trying to come to terms with this fact.
Everyone is so excited, but I'm not. This was an accident. My initial reaction involved a lot of curse words. Yet everyone who finds out says "Yay, congratulations!!" or something to that effect. Congratulations for what? "Congratulations, you've been sick for the past 3 months. We're so happy for you." "Congratulations, you're ridiculously emotional!" "Congratulations, all your dreams and plans have come crashing to a halt!" I try to do the polite thing and just say thanks.
I didn't want this to happen... not yet. I wanted to wait. I wanted to be able to plan for a child, y'know have a budget and space for it to live. Actually be able to take care of it.
I really am trying to get more excited, but I need to be honest. I'm mostly terrified. I don't want something that constantly needs my attention. I'm still trying to figure out how to take care of myself. What about the things I wanted to do with my life? I've still never left the country. I don't want to settle down. I definitely don't want to live in Murray my whole life. I have so much more wandering to do. I'm not prepared for mommy wars. I haven't changed a diaper in nearly 10 years. And I don't want to "practice" by you pushing the responsibilities of your own kid onto me. Please, just let me figure this out on my own time.
If I just become a "stay-at-home mom" I know deep down that I'll have given up on myself. I would not be reaching my full potential. I know being a mother is hard. Obviously. I just admitted that I'm not ready for it. But for me personally, it would be taking the easy way out. I thought I would have a bit more time to figure out how to balance the two (a career and being a mother), but now it looks like I'll have to learn how as I go.
When I'm in large groups, family gatherings for example, I'm a drifter. I don't have much in common with the other adults. Sometimes the kids will want to play with me, sometimes not. This is a result of coming from a large family (another rant for another day). I feel like this is going to ostracize me even more. Kids (and maybe even myself) will finally have to admit that I'm an adult. God, that's depressing.
Since I shouldn't end like that, I'll say that I do have good days. There are times when I do think I can handle it. I know my Heavenly Father and Mother have a plan for me. I don't understand it, but I'm trying to trust in it. And there's no one I'd rather figure out how to handle all this with than my husband. He takes care of me so well. Joel is the best decision I've ever made.
TL;DR: I'm terrified of my current situation and want to be honest about that fact. I can't pretend that I'm ecstatic along with those who are. I love my husband.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Guess what. I know exactly how you feel. We can talk whenever you need to. The way you feel right now is normal. It's okay to not be excited. It's okay to figure things out as you go along. All moms are. Let me say that again. All. Moms (and dads). Are. Even if they wanted a child. Even if they tried for years to have a baby. You can do this. Just take it one day at a time. I love your guts.
ReplyDeleteI wrote you a big long letter and at the end I said "I hope this is helpful and not too long" and then when I hit publish a note popped up "Your HTML cannot be accepted: Must be at most 4,096 characters"
ReplyDeleteI guess it was just too long. lol. Maybe I will split it in to two.
BIG HUG! Yup, all moms have their doubts and fears. The wonderful thing about babies is they love you anyways. I think that is at least partly why babies are mom's favorite. Speaking of babies being mom's favorite- let her help you and take her advice. With Ana we were gonna raise that baby the "right" way- listen to the doctor, listen to books, you know; but we also figured out pretty quick that after 8 kids mom learned a lot and saw all the drs. and book advice go full circle. Mom had a lot of wisdom and empathy to give me as a new mom and I really benefited when I let her. She came and cleaned my house and even the inside of the washing machine and stuff that never gets cleaned. Let her help you. She also is great at taking turns in the night if she stays over. It's her way of showing love and she's really good with new babies. You will like watching her be happy.
ReplyDeleteAlso, trust your gut. Trust your gut- that is the best advice I can give. God is giving you this baby and will give you the inspiration you need to take care of it. He also knows that you have special gifts that this child needs.
Also, the best parents I know are the ones who aren't kids anymore but aren't "adults" either- the ones who can still play with kids even while being an adult. So when you say that is something you aren't sure about, it's how I can tell you are going to be one of the best moms ever. I think you will find that being a mom is really fun. I never really thought I was a baby person and still wouldn't consider myself a baby whisperer by any means, but they aren't all bad ;-). It took me until the 4th one, but by the time I finally understood it really didn't matter if I was good with babies or not, and that what anyone else thinks about my parenting is their problem, and that I can "spoil" my baby if I want to, and I don't have to prove I really am mature or responsible enough, having a baby was fun. Abandon all expectations and enjoy it. Oh, and being a parent is way different than babysitting. I HATE babysitting, but I love being a mom. (and it's okay to only babysit for your best friends and say no to everyone else & it's ok if you are a stay at home and working moms want you to start a day care business because you are at home anyway and tell them no).
I have a friend who is very much a career woman personality and she was very worried about staying home with her kids. She really thought her husband was better at that and debated having him stay home instead. She has shared her sweet testimony with me before about how grateful she is that she decided to stay home because she knew that is what God wanted her to do and even though she thought it would be hard for her she has seen a side of herself she never thought she had along with many other blessings. I know you already know this because of your last paragraph, but I’ve seen it work in my life too. Let God work in you and trust in him and pray for His guidance and you will be a fantastic parent and you will see His hand work miracles. I've read a lot of parenting books, but what it all comes down to is listening to Heavenly Father because each kid is different and there is no one right way. The scriptures and church publications have the best info out there. If your ward or stake ever does a parenting class I highly recommend it (if they don’t have one ask for it). Brian and I took it and we enjoyed it. The workbook they use is great because it has up to date parenting advice as far as the practical and social sciences go along with added advice from prophets and scriptures. Sometimes going into something completely unsure can make you better at it because you have nowhere to turn but to God. Then you get the best advice.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing I want to add is, your career and you are creative. Seeing the world with fresh eyes again through a child is only going to help that. I'm excited for you because I'm excited for you to have unconditional love in your life (until your baby is a teenager :P). I'm excited for you to see talents you have that you might not think you have. I love that you always notice the clever subtle humor of kids and their quirky ways- for that you are going to be a fun mom, and that is another reason I am so excited for you. I also know you will be a parent that listens, that can put yourself in another's shoes, but still dispense wisdom because you've felt that way too probably. Your friends and family are excited for you because they know what a great person you are and how that is going to make you a great mom. Plus that last paragraph you wrote yourself tells me you are going to be just fine :-). If you want parenting advice, or a shoulder to cry on when you have a rough day, it sounds like you have lots of people, but add me to that list. I love you. (I hope this was helpful and not too long).
Plus I want to add that this is an awesome post for your theme "and they got older" Really, you did a nice job writing this.
ReplyDelete