Hi, I'm scared.

WARNING: This is me making an effort to be a bit more honest and open. The following contains [the dreaded] FEELINGS!!1! If you want to go on believing that everything is peaches and cream, you should stop reading immediately. But I won't pretend along with you. This is a post I would normally only post on my private blog; that being said, if I'm uncomfortable I will move it. "If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives." That quote (from Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events) is how I announced my pregnancy on Facebook. For me, it means I'm trying to come to terms with this fact. Everyone is so excited, but I'm not. This was an accident. My initial reaction involved a lot of curse words. Yet everyone who finds out says "Yay, congratulations!!" or something to that effect. Congratulations for what? "Congratulations, you've been sick for the past 3 months. We're so happy for you." "Congratulations, you're ridiculously emotional!" "Congratulations, all your dreams and plans have come crashing to a halt!" I try to do the polite thing and just say thanks. I didn't want this to happen... not yet. I wanted to wait. I wanted to be able to plan for a child, y'know have a budget and space for it to live. Actually be able to take care of it. I really am trying to get more excited, but I need to be honest. I'm mostly terrified. I don't want something that constantly needs my attention. I'm still trying to figure out how to take care of myself. What about the things I wanted to do with my life? I've still never left the country. I don't want to settle down. I definitely don't want to live in Murray my whole life. I have so much more wandering to do. I'm not prepared for mommy wars. I haven't changed a diaper in nearly 10 years. And I don't want to "practice" by you pushing the responsibilities of your own kid onto me. Please, just let me figure this out on my own time. If I just become a "stay-at-home mom" I know deep down that I'll have given up on myself. I would not be reaching my full potential. I know being a mother is hard. Obviously. I just admitted that I'm not ready for it. But for me personally, it would be taking the easy way out. I thought I would have a bit more time to figure out how to balance the two (a career and being a mother), but now it looks like I'll have to learn how as I go. When I'm in large groups, family gatherings for example, I'm a drifter. I don't have much in common with the other adults. Sometimes the kids will want to play with me, sometimes not. This is a result of coming from a large family (another rant for another day). I feel like this is going to ostracize me even more. Kids (and maybe even myself) will finally have to admit that I'm an adult. God, that's depressing. Since I shouldn't end like that, I'll say that I do have good days. There are times when I do think I can handle it. I know my Heavenly Father and Mother have a plan for me. I don't understand it, but I'm trying to trust in it. And there's no one I'd rather figure out how to handle all this with than my husband. He takes care of me so well. Joel is the best decision I've ever made. TL;DR: I'm terrified of my current situation and want to be honest about that fact. I can't pretend that I'm ecstatic along with those who are. I love my husband.

New Header!

I made a cute logo for our blog! Hopefully you think it's cute too. If not, don't look at it.

Joel was able to go interview for one of his graduate schools. Next time he goes, I get to come too! :D So that's exciting! But pretty much the only update we have, haha. Joel says he'll work on a real update soon.

hello world.

So this is our new blog... It's not "pretty" yet, sorry. But I knew if I kept waiting until I finished our "logo" and design, we'd never actually make a post. And this would be another project that never came to be. I figured if I put something down, I might be more likely to continue. Also, I'm putting off folding my laundry... again.
I do have a logo in the works though! It's just on its first draft still. It's gonna be adorable, you'll see!
Honestly, my hopes for this blog are that we post once a year. It'll be like everyone's Christmas letters, where we get to remember all the awesome stuff we did. Joel was going to write up a post for this year, but then school started again and we never got to it. But even if it comes down to just copying and pasting the list we made, I'll do that. And if someone reads this, remind us!
We're keeping this public, which might be a hard idea for me to get used to. I'm not the open-door type. Don't get me wrong, I'm very honest about my opinions. But only if asked. Otherwise, I'll just keep to myself. In my mindset, blogs are about thoughts and feelings [shudder] and I invite select few into that side of my world. So this is a change for me... Hopefully I can find things I'm willing to say.

Here are some things for now:
Joel has interviews for graduate school! I really hope he is accepted somewhere and we get to move out of the state. I need a new adventure!
I'm sad that this winter has been so dry. I just want to lay out in the snow!

...I guess that's it, ha.

Oh one final note, if you're wondering about the blog title, it's the name of a song on our wedding playlist. If you're on Spotify, I have the playlist on there so you should check it out! (I don't actually understand Spotify...) If not, here's a link to the song we named our blog after: